Cat The Cupid

June 15, 2017

Does moving in together before marriage scare men and does it decrease the chance that he will propose to me and put a ring on my finger? My mum always says “Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?”

Isn’t that a terrible expression?! This is a difficult one. A lot of this can come down to your beliefs and values, so if religious beliefs don’t stop you from moving in together, there are other considerations. Yes, it probably does decrease the ‘urgency’ of getting married, but at the same time, it can be great to get a trial run.

At the same time, if you move in together, it can equally be very difficult to break up if you sense there is a problem with your relationship. Many a couple have progressed to marriage when things weren’t going very well, simply because they felt like they were too far down the track of commitment (ie living together) to back out.

My suggestion is that if you want to get married, you should be in a situation where you have a good, strong relationship with your partner and are able to openly communicate about your wants and needs. If you’ve been together six months or so, you’ve been through some good times and some challenges, you’re open about your financial situations, and you’re the woman of his dreams… then marriage is the next logical step for most people. If he’s not prepared to discuss that, then perhaps it is a commitment phobia, or perhaps something hasn’t aligned that makes him keen to put a ring on it. If you want to marry him but he is freaking out, perhaps he isn’t the right man for you.

Why do guys stop calling after a few dates? Why can’t they at least tell you that they aren’t interested instead of just ghosting me?

There are so many possible answers to this. Lots of people who are dating (men and women included) are actually dating multiple people at once, and as they develop a stronger connection or relationship with one person, the others start naturally dropping off. They can become so fixated with this budding romance, they don’t really pay much attention to the ones they’ve left behind.

I think it also comes down to the thrill of the chase. To be totally honest, if you sleep together very quickly, it could be that he loses interest once there’s nothing left to pursue (in his mind). I know it’s old fashioned, but I do recommend having ten solid dates before you have ‘alone’ time in any fashion. Keeps the romance alive and allows you to get to know each other before you go too far to take it back. Once you’ve slept together, you can never get back your first time, and if you’ve waited, this is a beautiful thing to have. I know I sound like a Grandma, but I stand by my advice.

Having said that, it’s not to say that you can’t have a great relationship when you’ve progressed quickly. Of course you can. It’s just that in the situation you’ve described, where the guy basically disappears, this is often the problem. At the same time, maybe in his mind you just didn’t ‘click’, and he was too chicken to tell you. Maybe he got back with his ex-girlfriend, or perhaps he’s married and was looking for some short term entertainment. It happens.

Whatever the reason, they obviously didn’t appreciate your awesomeness. Move on without tears or a second thought. Mr Right is out there, wondering where all the good women have gone.

I just got dumped with a classic ‘It’s not you, it’s me,” excuse. I know this is rubbish… right? It’s me and he’s just too scared to tell me in case I go crazy Carrie style (Sex and the City).

Breakups are never easy. I’m assuming you’re not a psycho (or you wouldn’t be asking for advice), so your reaction isn’t a legit concern. In reality, it’s not really either of you. Both of you probably have a great relationship in your future, but it just isn’t with each other.

You know what it’s like when you meet that “great on paper guy” (another Sex and the City theory back at you), but he just doesn’t have that ‘X factor’? Maybe he’s sweet but you find it annoying. Maybe he’s generous and attentive, but you find it suffocating. When we meet a person with lots of great qualities, but the base level attraction isn’t there – we can’t, and shouldn’t, progress the relationship. This is what happened with you two, and he just doesn’t know what else to say.

Good luck in finding a man you click with, and being awesome and single in the meantime.

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