I am raising sons, growing and shaping two boys into GOOD men. I take it very seriously, I have an intention for my sons, I am raising brave, conscious, connected, fearless men in how they live and love, who are unapologetic for who they are. Men that can bring their hearts desires to life, who understand the true meaning of happiness and self love.
Men who don’t need abuse their power, who are resilient, who believe in themselves, who are self aware and know how to connect to themselves, who can acknowledge what they feel, validate it, meet their needs and that just keep evolving.
How can I fulfill such a ambition? Mess, adversity, struggle, hard work, by not protecting them from the challenging and harsh experiences in their life. By using those experiences to expose them to their feelings, which will bring up any fears or insecurities they might have and then by teaching them the necessary tools to overcome such an fear or experience. They ultimately get to decide how their stories end, so they can stay in fear or overcome their fear, it’s up to them. We need to accept what they choose, we need allow our boys to be who they are and where they are, to see them, fully and love them unconditionally, irrespective of what they choose but they will always know it’s a choice, their choice. They need that, they deserve that, we all do.
I find being a single Mum tough and although I find the love and experience of motherhood profound and magical I also find it a brutal grind, it really does bring out, both the best and the worst in me. So to my fellow mums out there, I really do admire and
respect each and everyone of you, we really do need to unite and stop comparing and pitting against each other. We really just need to accept and allow each other to do the best we can under our unique circumstances, so please don’t feel I am judging you because I am a totally flawed, messy, imperfect mum.
However, I do think it’s important that we face the truth about how we are raising our boys and acknowledge what kind of men we are shaping and we need to do this together. Let’s help each other, talk to each other, problem solve together, tag each other out, cry and scream together. Our magnificent, boisterous, active, wild, sensitive, gentle, glorious boys give us a connection, a thread into each other lives. It’s a beautiful opportunity to use that thread to come together and help our boys become good men and we can’t do this alone, we need each other.
Mum’s it start with us, if you want your boys to grow up into to GOOD men then here’s a few things to contemplate.
Please stop pandering to your boys. Yes, we need to be their soft place to land, we need to show them tenderness and affection, love and cuddle them profusely. We also need to teach our boys self-sufficiency and independence, so they grow confidence and don’t seek women to mother and control them because they are codependent on us, on women, to nurture them. Teach your boys to nurture themselves, explore what healthy downtime might look like, how to be alone, self-soothe, how to take time out for themselves. How to do things for themselves that are gentle and caring.
We need to teach them how to communicate and process their feelings. We need to let them get angry and show them healthy outlets for anger. We also need to give them permission to cry, not to shame them for their vulnerability. It’s important our boys become self aware and learn how to manage all their feelings.
We need to let them fall out of trees, take risks and hurt themselves. We need to let physical pain teach them boundaries and their limitations while they are young so they can take risks and be fearless men.
We need to make sure they lose and fail, often, so they can learn how to recover, bounce back and self care when they are men. So they can rise up instead of recoil, shrink and fall into apathy, deep depression and take their lives because they are not equipped to fail.
We need to give them boundaries and consequences when they are aggressive, manipulative, and selfish, so they understand their impact, feel remorse, have empathy and learn compassion.
We need to teach them to take full ownership of their emotions so they have the skills to process pain and heal instead of avoid what they are feeling and go on to gratify themselves with things like alcohol, drugs and sex or violence.
We need to teach them about love, romance, intimacy and sex from a woman’s perspective and help them harness their sexuality so they don’t objectify women, void-fill and take advantage of them. So they don’t disrespect them.
We need to teach them how to be strong and integral with women so they don’t lose themselves, become obsessed by women and needy and desperate to be with a women or with women all of the time. But also so they don’t hand over their power to their partners or wives and become controlled. Our boys and men need to be given permission by us first and then by themselves to be open and vulnerable, so they allow themselves to express their feelings, be heard, get their needs met, meet their partners needs and have healthy relationships.
We need to teach our boys to feel worthy for free, to feel whole and happy with themselves just as they are. We need to remind them they need nothing external and that they don’t have to win every time, be successful, or rich, or have a perfect looking woman on their arm to feel accomplished and fulfilled. We need to help them remember that they are enough just as they are, that they don’t need to prove anything to anyone, not even themselves.
Women of the world it’s time for us to realise and take responsibility for the future of men, we play an important how we raise our boys, what kind of men are you raising?
Let’s all take part in helping the world of men transform, one boy at a time.
Nardia Renney – Mumma, boy and man champion, love warrior, seeker of truth, love and connection.
SheSociety is a site for the women of Australia to share our stories, our experiences, shared learnings and opportunities to connect.