As you may recall from my last column, I thought I’d start my supermodel journey or at least tone my body by taking a Pilates class. Just one. But no, it appears you need more than one and I had to come back for two and before you know it … it’s Pilates Take Three, or should that be take three steps back, get into my car and drive away.
I say a prayer to Michelle Bridges, the patron saint of body transformation and ask for a sign that she is with me. I then hear a cash register and know she must be close by.
As I approach reception, I think “Why am I paying good money for this torture?” I remove $25 from my purse to give to the receptionist. It’s in my hand, but my fingers won’t release the cash.
The 20-year-old female receptionist and I are in a tug-a-war. She looks at me with all the confidence of a pro visiting a mining site on pay day… I then remember my international modelling aspirations and release the cash.
She offers me a complimentary Cool Mint; I grab a handfull and stuff them in my handbag. For $25 I should get the whole bloody bowl, but decorum takes hold and I make my way to class.
Let the toning begin
With my back on the Pilates reformer and my legs in ‘tabletop’, I begin. It is minute 13 and I unconsciously go into a Lamaze breathing technique.
I feel a surge of incredible energy wash over me; I pant and want to bear down. Is my new body being birthed?
I then see an apparition of Michelle Bridges holding baby Axel in the doorway. She moves towards me holding her “Total Body Transformation” book and a mobile EFTPOS machine. I go to my handbag and try to pay her in Cool Mints, but she just disappears. It’s then I decide that maybe Pilates really isn’t for me.
Plus size modelling here I come.
Pilates Take Five
That’s right I didn’t blog about Pilates Take Four. It was just too traumatic to put pen to paper, or should that be ‘fingers to the keyboard’. Let’s just say after Take Four, I needed a Bex and a little lie down.
So, bless me Father for I have sinned, it’s been two weeks since my last Pilates class and my tummy now resembles a Humpty Dumpty chocolate Easter egg.
Uh oh, the men have arrived
I waddle to the reformer and ready myself for another 45 minutes of Pilates magic. I then notice two odd creatures walk into the room – they resemble something I’ve seen at my place of employment. You know the type … they walk around with all the confidence of a seagull with a hot chip, bang on continuously about themselves and wants a standing ovation for fronting up to a work morning tea with a packet of Coles home brand salted peanuts– yes I believe they are called men.
Pilates Take 1, 2, 3 and 4 have been an all girl affair, so today will take on a testosterone of toast flavour. One of the men lies down on the reformer next to mine. Within seven minutes he starts moaning and groaning. The last time I had a man beside me moaning and groaning, flowers and champagne were involved.
After a minute I sneak a peek at my testosterone groaner. In a certain light, at a certain angle and with a heap of wishful thinking, he could pass for Brad Pitt. Hmmm Brad, you are the reason for my international modelling aspirations. I know that once Brad sees me, he’ll leave Angelina Jolie who is rumoured to currently only weigh 36kg. As I weigh 72kg, I am literally twice the woman she’ll ever be!
My groaner catches me looking at him and I immediately assume the Pilates position and think of England.
Jo Ann Hanley is a comedic writer and Public Servant – both happily feed each other.
In 2012, Jo Ann with Christine Hanley, co-wrote and published a book “2001 A Washing Odyssey” which is a comical look at washing.