Left Out

October 27, 2017

As a member of a minority group I was thrilled to find out that just like me, Tina Fey, Rod Laver, Ghandi, Robert De Niro and Napoleon are all Lefties. Variously known as South Paws, Cacky Handers and Marked by the Devil (according to Crazies from Ye Olde Days) call us what you will, we are a special bunch. I suspect this is why I get on so well with the Rangas; I can relate to them as another marginalised group. We Lefties only make up less than 10% of the human population.

The Latin word for “left” is “sinister,” which may also explain why the nuns used to force kids at school, my brother included – the Marist Brothers in his case – to write with their right hands even if they were left-handed.

More bad press for the lefties, in historical texts about witchcraft in Europe, the left hand was the one they used to cast spells and inflict harm on others. Ooooooeeeeeooohhhhhh! Witches could supposedly just touch someone with their left hand to curse them. Me and my Witchy friends laugh our arses off about it when the Coven get together around the cauldron for a bit of light spell-casting.

But it’s not all bad news for us Leftians. (SIDEBAR: I just made that up, Leftians. Do you like it? I’m hoping it takes off) St. Lawrence University in the US conducted IQ tests among right and left-handed people. The tests results showed that there were more left-handed people with IQs over 140 than those individuals with dominant right hands. Carrying weight to this argument Nikola Telsa, Albert Einstein, Leonardo da Vinci, Aristotle and Isaac Newton were all from Leftania! (SIDEBAR: What about that? Does that work?)

Ask any Leftie what pisses them off and they will have a tale of woe about those stupid small scissors from kindergarten, smudging pens – I have spent a lifetime finding the perfect non-smudging ink pen amongst other things. It was always such a mystery to me that Ned Flanders’ store Leftorium wasn’t more successful.

You know where the Leftorium would absolutely kill it? In the Animal Kingdom. That’s right.

A study was done on kangaroos in Tassie by a Russian Uni that found that they all prefer to use the left, not the right, hand (or paw as the case may be). The research team observed that wild kangaroos show a natural preference for their left hands when performing particular actions, such as grooming their noses, picking leaves, or bending tree branches. Left-handedness was particularly apparent in eastern grey and red kangaroos. How cool is that?

AND it’s not only kangaroos. Nearly 50% of dogs favoured their left paw and there’s a high percentage of goats and horses that also exhibit leading with their left hoof. Even fish that can demonstrate a preference to swim in a right-hand direction and all the sulphur crested cockatoos that are flying around are all left-footed, according to research done by James Cook University.

Isn’t that interesting? Well, obviously I think it is.

P.S. Hugh Jack is left-handed. IN YOUR FACE Righties!

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