Pieces of me

August 20, 2016

The guilt rushes in and I wish I could take it all back, but I know I can't. The thoughts that tell me I'm a terrible mother flood in

I don’t want to do this anymore!

I can’t handle this!

I feel like screaming!

I f***ing hate this!

These are the thoughts that power through my mind when I’m at the brink of a mental explosion and when the girls are just about to drive me insane.

This seems to be happening a lot recently and I started to write this post right after another one of these moments as a way of trying to process all of the emotions cursing through my body, and as a way of gaining some calm after the emotional storm.

Quality time with my man versus exhaustion

Lately I have been waiting up for Jade to come home from work which is usually around 10:30-11:30pm, just so we can have some kind of decent, uninterrupted time together and so I can offload on him about the day’s happenings.

That means I don’t get to bed until quite late, which is mistake number one, as Minnie-Jane is always awake somewhere between 6:30-7:30am.

In addition to the late nights, I have also been getting up to go for walks three times a week and that means that on those days I need to be up around 5.00am – 5:30am. I’m really enjoying these walks because it gives me a bit of “me” time, I get to have a chat with my friends and it’s also good exercise, so all around very positive things. It’s just not so ideal when I’m not getting to bed before midnight, and I’m obviously very tired as a result.

The joys of teething

Any mum who has a teething child knows the joys of this. I’m physically tired and sore everyday because MJ is teething and particularly clingy at the moment.

Some days I pretty much hold her 24/7. That’s almost 10kg I’m carting around all day and by the end of the day I’m physically wrecked.

The after-guilt of exploding

So anyway, getting back to my explosive episodes (for lack of better words), each pre-explosion usually starts with me already running on very little sleep, which is fuelled when I ask Audrey for the millionth time to do something, and I finally crack because she’s still not listening to me.

On top of that, Minnie-Jane is usually also having a meltdown or death screaming because I have put her down for a brief moment so I can do something like go to the toilet.

The other night I completely lost it and yelled at her. And it was not just any yell, but a yell I’m pretty sure people down the street could hear.

I immediately regretted it because I knew I’d lost control. I could see the fear and pain in my daughter’s little face which crumpled and she started to whimper and I hated myself.

I’m torn in pieces: the guilt rushes in and I wish I could take it all back, but I know I can’t.

All the thoughts that tell me I’m a terrible mother, that I’m out of control and that I need to manage my anger come flooding in and I feel like the worst mother in the world.

Is anyone out there?

I know I’m not the only one who goes through this and I know I won’t be the last, but when you’re in the heat of the moment, it can sometimes feel like you’re the only one losing it and that you’re somehow damaging your children because of your lack of control over your emotions.

I do know I am only human, so if you’re reading this today and feeling overwhelmed, then I want you to know that you’re not alone and that we all have our bad days.

But for the vast majority of us, the good outweighs the bad and a bit of extra sleep and routine (and maybe a sneaky glass of red) can help in preventing the frequency of these moments occurring.

Please share with me if you have experienced the same or have any coping techniques that could help us all.

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