Sexual Darwinism – Lessons from Nature

January 9, 2019

Have you ever noticed how it seems nearly every week is SHARK WEEK on the Nature Channel? Especially in the lead up to the summer holidays?

Don’t get me wrong they are endlessly fascinating creatures. Which explains why there isn’t a high repetition of Snail Week or Hamster Month. Yawn.

But Shark Week – that’s another matter. So far, I’ve watched Bride of Jaws, Super Predator, Great White Abyss, Ninja Shark and Island of the Mega Shark guaranteeing I will not be swimming out past my knees over the holidays. And WTF is the Hammerhead shark all about? That thing is a FREAK SHOW.

Always make sure at least two people are swimming further out than you at the beach too. I doubt it works but I’ll try anything that might help. I’ll also be giving shark repellent a go and I won’t be singing or playing any death metal BECAUSE as I learned watching Bride of Jaws it attracts sharks – it’s the vibration actually.

Interesting fact: nobody has ever filmed two Great Whites mating but apparently, it’s very violent and often results in serious injury and even death from the biting. They seem to think it’s the females biting the males most of the time. Ouch.

SIDEBAR: But how do they know this if nobody has ever seen it? Hmmm

Anyway, for the sake of argument let’s say this is true. The Ladies of Nature have some form when it comes to this. The Black Widow spider kills her male partner during/after sex and the female praying mantis bites their mates head off in the act. BOOM! Must be hard for those gals to get dates.

This is more common than you think – octopuses tend to eat each other too. That makes for an awkward social situation – are they a mate or meal? When they’re looking at you licking their lips what are they thinking? “Man! She/He looks TASTY!”

All the studies that have been done into this haven’t been able to come up with a way to measure how often this happens. It’s random and must add to the excitement of the octopus date! It’s to do with the large number of species and how reclusive they are. But what researchers do know is that the giant pacific octopus is known to brutally murder and then eat the other after sex.

There’s one documented case in 2014 of a giant pacific octopus who had sex with a male companion for 15 minutes (not bad) and then strangled him with three of her tentacles. Yikes!

They also fight after sex. I suspect this is because the male octopus won’t get up and get her a glass of water OR leaves his shit everywhere. He’s got eight arms for God’s sake – as it he couldn’t manage it. Sigh….

I wonder if we were cannibals if we would eat our mates after sex? I get pretty hungry after some serious Sexy Times and my good friend Jenna whose New Lover has just moved interstate to live with her hasn’t left the house in a week. They have Uber Eats on speed dial to quash the severe post-shagging hunger. Good on ‘em I say.

As I pondered these sexually confident and hungry females from nature, I thought what if they are just trying to get rid of all the male creatures who are bad in bed?? Wow.

What a revelation AND a revolution! Think about it – this would change life as we know it. The ultimate sexual Darwinism. Thus, ONLY LEAVING males of the species who were good in bed?!

Can you imagine what the world would be like? Mind you it also means there would have be a grading system. And legal guidelines would have to be established otherwise any male could be a target for a bogus “Bad in bed” murder, putting the penal system under pressure.

And what qualifies someone as good in bed? A friend of mine whose is single after 15 years of marriage and back on the dating/banging scene said to me recently. “I nearly had an orgasm when he didn’t fart in bed and leave the toilet seat up”.

It may also take generations to make any real headway with this, but we have to start somewhere.

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