Online Dating Is Like Swimming In A Swamp CONTINUED

June 20, 2018

Image: Pinterest

If you missed the last article I highly suggest you click through and read before plunging into the few paragraphs below.

It all started with online banter with a Haematology Doctor who I can confirm never spoke to anyone during his working hours, and even if he did, they wouldn’t have been able to hear him anyway so he may as well have not said a word.

I was waiting at Aria restaurant for 20 mins, dreaming of the Strawberry Soufflé I had heard so much about. And obviously packing my dacks, as I was about to go on a date! Waiting for 20 minutes I thought I had been stood up, I was ready to pack up and go get a Grill’d burger when I heard my name called by a softly spoken voice.

I turned around to a very large man standing behind me. I had to look really closely, it took me a good 15 seconds until I realised that I was looking at Muhammad, only this wasn’t the same person as the photo of online e-harmony Muhammad, this was Muhammad 100kgs later. I am not over exaggerating, the person I was looking at was of enormous size. I feel bad trying to explain it, without being disrespectful.

Think, elasticised grey pants that have legs on them so wide you would think his legs were trunks, grey slip on shoes (he would have needed a shoe horn, for sure), a pink button up shirt that was tucked into his elasticised pants. TUCKED IN UP TO HIS ARM PITS! You need to roll with me on this story.

Being a big booty bitach I am allowed to call out another… however it will also be respectful. But, hang on a minute, how about this for respect… show me your most recent photo, not one from before you inhaled a small McDonalds STORE. God, i’m a bitch but it is all real life.

Anyway, I was already there, starring him in the face and who am I to judge, I’m no oil painting. Now when I say that Muhammad was huge, I am talking about not being able to walk through the door together at the same time huge. I am talking about, it took us 20 mins to walk from the small garden setting out the front of Aria to the door of Aria due to the fact that his little footsteps were shuffles. And for people that know me, I am a slow walker, this guy was beyond the walking… it would have been easier to roll both of us there. Look, I may offend some of you with my comments, I have a bar stool already engraved with my name on it in hell so I feel like my descriptions are just real life in order to give you a good visual experience.

We got into the restaurant at around 6:45pm, we were shown to our seat and the waitress really embarrassingly sat us at a table with chairs that had arms on them. THE CHAIRS HAD ARMS ON THEM AND THEY WERE HALF THE SIZE OF MUHAMMAD! I took one look at the chair and knew there was no way that Muhammad would be able to fit into it. But as my life has it, he was going to give it a red hot crack. They pulled the chair out, he attempted to sit and couldn’t fit. This actually broke my heart. I could see this from across the table yet they still made him try. We then awkwardly got moved to another table. Let’s just remember that this whole time Muhammad is talking to me in his monotone very soft voice of which I couldn’t understand a word. All I did the whole time was smile and nod and say yes. Who even knows what I said yes to.

We were seated at another table with better seating, however he was further away from me, which meant my hearing was struggling something chronic. I seriously didn’t know what to do. You can’t ask someone to speak up when you have just met them. I did ask him to repeat himself MANY times, yet this didn’t prompt him to speak up. Let me give you the gist of what I heard out of our 3 hour dinner…There was probably so much more I would have heard, however I couldn’t turn the voice up on my date.

* I had a holiday ISLAND just off Egypt that I used to frequent with my family when I was a kid. AN ISLAND… EGYPT… wowzers!
* I grew up in Egypt with my dad and my mothers.. STOP. RIGHT. THERE. MOTHERS. Yes, I had heard right, he had multiple mothers and when I asked was he close with all of them he said yes, I actually forgot when I was little who was my biological mother as they were all the same. What does that even mean?
* He spoke about going on a date with a girl who asked him to buy her an Apple computer so she could keep speaking to him as her computer was broken. Then he never heard from her again. This broke my heart and I told him to never do that again. If anything I hope I taught him a valuable lesson to not give into the scammers of the dating world.

For the rest of the time spent at Aria, I couldn’t hear anything and if I did, it was all muffled and I would just be making shit up. The things my brain were thinking I heard were pretty crazy too. Like, ‘I have 5 girl friends and I would love you to be the sixth just like my dad and all of my mothers…’

You know the worst thing about this date and this story? It wasn’t the fact that Muhammad had Catfished me by 100kgs, it was the fact that Aria didn’t have their Strawberry Soufflé on the menu that night. I missed out and settled for something chocolate that I suggested we shared, of which I turned around to sneeze with a full plate to then turn back to an empty plate… like it had been inhaled. I honestly thought at that stage that this can’t be my life, is this real life even?

Muhammad did insist on paying for dinner that night, I did refuse and offer to split the bill a million times, however he was a real gentleman and fixed up the bill. I am sure he would have gotten up and pulled the chair out for me, however it took him about 1 minute to get himself off the bench seat he was on, of which I had to watch awkwardly so I wasn’t standing up waiting for him.

I got home from this date totally defeated, talking to mum and dad about it with them laugh crying. I joined in the laugh/cry, however it was more tears shed over the lack of Strawberry Soufflé rather than the unidentifiable date who wanted to complete his girlfriend quota.

I got straight back online because I had paid the bloody fee for the 3 months. I wasn’t going to throw it in straight away.

First things first… If I had to look at another photo of a dude with full sleeved tatts in a Bintang singlet hugging a tiger in Bali one more time, I was going to stick pins in my eyes. Why did Bintang singlets EVER become a thing…? I sifted through the debris of the dating swamp for a good couple of weeks and came across the next dude.

Let’s just say, I struck gold…if only I didn’t drink 5 x wines before the date…

Until we meet again my dating friends and share the next experience of the online dating world. Now don’t let these stories shy you away from a good old online date.. get amongst it! Download yourself Bumble or Tinder… even if its just to play a game with your married and happily coupled friends. They love it!

Amanda Goddard
When Amanda walks into a room you will most probably hear her before you see her and then when you see her you will understand why she is Larger Than Life! Commentating on life around her as a larger gal, Amanda always looks at the funny side of life and will always stir the pot or ask the questions no one wants to answer...