Online Dating Is Like Swimming In A Swamp

June 5, 2018

I’m no Carrie Bradshaw from Sex In The City, in fact I am the complete opposite of Carrie Bradshaw. I am short, brunette, at least 30 kilos heavier and I can’t wear a high heel stiletto in the fear that my ankles will buckle, let alone afford a pair of Jimmy Choo’s… Carrie was always so eloquent with the way she wrote about dating, and the stories she shared were always so fun for her and ended with such great closure or fleets of love… My dating stories are sooo not Hollywood, nor are they Sex In The City esq.

My dating stories are those that you would expect from a horror story or a ‘Believe it or Not’ book. I have had a few corker dates in the past so I thought I would maybe write these in instalments, you know, live my best life by pretending I am a columnist for The New York times and leave you ‘gagging’ for the next weeks column, while I walk down a busy Brisbane street and see my face on the side of a bus, advertising my column…

Dating online is literally like sifting through the samples rack at a Camilla Warehouse Sale…. VERY hit and miss. You come across a new season piece, nothing wrong with it, the one that is in the shops currently for full price and it is there for 75% off because someone made a mistake…. a piece of gold, but it then gets snapped up by the pretty young blonde chick next to you who can afford full price, yet is there to steal from the poor and has faster snatch skills in more ways than one…similar to online dating. Usually when you come across a golden dating profile, it can be 100% certain that the guy you have just fallen instantly, technologically in love with, has just swiped right and matched with the young blonde girl who has recently come out of a relationship and thought she would ‘just try her luck online…’ BLOODY HELL! World, give the single chicks of Australia a break and give us some kind of un-detected desperation algorithm advantage. I mean, don’t tell the guy on the receiving end of my profile that I have been out of a relationship for 8 years and just dipping my toes in and out of the dating SWAMP during that time, only to be overtaken by the girl who got dumped because she accidentally did a poo at her boyfriends house and her boyfriend thought that girls didn’t poo so he dumped her (pardon the pun!)

Ok, can you tell I am sick of online dating and shitty breakup stories? Let’s cast our minds back to my first online dating experience… I signed up to E-harmony on Valentine’s weekend maybe 6 years ago when they had a free promotion, because my mum told me that – ‘If that girl, Becky, on the e-harmony ad is happy and found a boyfriend, you can do it too’. I totally believed her, I even went to the extreme to think, Becky looks bland I have heaps more personality than that… Mean, I know, but I was the only one creating my self confidence back then.

I signed up, wrote my profile, though it was pretty witty and a good testament to who I was, added real photos and jumped in the swamp
of online dating. I got a few hits straight away, mostly old guys. Older than my dad, of which I needed to then change me incoming match settings. Can’t imagine my dad enjoying another 55 year old males company at the dinner table.

I was matched with a lovely guy who went by the name Muhammad. Cultural barrier I know, but I was prepared as I was in a swamp that you can’t see through that anyway- so just go with it. We chatted for a few days on the site’s chat facility. He was a gentleman and told me he was a Doctor of Haematology… blood.

I asked my Doctor friends (I actually have heaps of them, my friends are really smart, I still wonder how they put up with me!) what a Haematology doctor does. They said – he would sit in a lab all day and diagnose blood related illnesses and wouldn’t talk to any patients because his diagnoses gets passed onto the relevant specialty doctor of the disease. So he literally sits in a dark room all day looking through those science binocular things… I thought, who cares. Let’s give him a chance. His photo was fine, his conversation online was pleasant, he asked me to dinner at ARIA restaurant so I said why the hell not! I always wanted to try Matt Moran’s Strawberry Soufflé!

I got to ARIA 10 minutes early as we decided to meet outside prior. I waited and waited for 20 minutes. The time got to 6:10pm, and I thought to myself, oh well – I’ll just go get a burger. I got up and started to walk away and I heard my name in a softly spoken voice right behind me. Is that the sound of a woman I thought? Did someone just say my name or was it a small newborn crying? I turned around and didn’t recognise who it was… surely that wasn’t Muhammad…

This will be continued next week as the story becomes one for the books and I don’t want to give it all to you now…

Let’s just say soft core CATFISHED – https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Catfish

Amanda Goddard
When Amanda walks into a room you will most probably hear her before you see her and then when you see her you will understand why she is Larger Than Life! Commentating on life around her as a larger gal, Amanda always looks at the funny side of life and will always stir the pot or ask the questions no one wants to answer...