Chrimirthmus Day

January 26, 2018

Hands up who has PHD? (Post-holiday depression)? Yeah me too. Gawd the first week back at work is hard to get into isn’t it? I have a good friend who takes the entire month of January off on the grounds that “nothing important happens in January and people’s brains only function at 75% capacity in January. It’s a scientific fact.” He’s at the Australian Open as we speak. Lucky Bastard.

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday. Mine was the usual circus. A few highlights; I discovered that there is something worse than telling children that Santa isn’t real – it’s telling them there is no Wi-Fi in the house. Seriously it was panic-inducing for them. Those sand-free towels are crap. They DO NOT repel sand at all; it’s just a sales gimmick – like those robot vacuum cleaners. I saw several deadly snakes – or “milkshakes” as we decided to call them so as not to freak out the kids, which created a great deal of confusion as we have a milkshake maker at the beach house so people became easily confused as to whether we were talking about deadly wildlife or dairy beverages. Although you’d THINK that “I saw a milkshake when I was coming up from Convent beach” vs. “I feel like a strawberry milkshake” was fairly clear…. sadly not for the idiots I holidayed with. This coincided with an overseas guest who was paranoid about sharks and deadly snakes and spiders having their least relaxing holiday in ten years. AND I saw, ran into Chris Hemsworth WITHOUT A SHIRT ON. My mother is right. Do not underestimate the power of prayer.

I also did some charity work with those who suffer during the Christmas period. It’s a really hard time for lots of people; the endless eating of ham, enforced time with your family who boss you around and make you sleep on the floor because you’re the youngest even though you’re nearly 50 but I digress… The people I’m talking about are those who have a birthday over the Christmas period.

If you’re one of the unlucky few who have a birthday between 20 December and the 5 January, you will already be painfully aware that nobody cares. Absolutely nobody. I know several people, who have birthdays during this time and it just goes totally unnoticed by 98.7% of people with the exception (in some cases) of immediate family and partners etc.. it’s a tough gig.

My nephew has a Chrimirthmus Day (this is the name I’ve given to birthday celebrations that fall during the Christmas period) as does my My Frusband who was born on New Year’s Eve! Poor bloke. These people suffer. They do! They don’t have a fuss made of them; they’re competing with Christmas for God’s sake (pun intended). I always made a big effort for My Frusband (when we went out – not now obviously, that’s someone else’s problem) we used to drink Chrimirthtails (a special cocktail with secret ingredients) and sing the Chrimirthmus song (to the tune of ‘Oh Christmas Tree’ LYRICS: “Chrimirthmus Day, Chrimirthmus Day. Today is your Chrimirthmus Day!”) AND he was able to choose any day in the following year to celebrate his Chrimirthmus Day.

I’m not just making this up to write a column – it’s a REAL THING. How do I know this? Because the Australian Bureau of Statistics has done research into the most popular and least popular birthdays.

The ABS analysed birth data for ten years! Apparently we like to have Sexy Time over the Festive period with three of the five most common birthdays falling in September. That is clearly for couples who do not holiday with their families. Surely nothing is less sexy than that? Bbbblllleeerrrkkkkk! UNLESS it’s like when people have sex after funerals because they need a life-reaffirming experience?

The stats reveal that the most common day for babies born in Australia is September 17. Funnily enough I don’t know anyone born on this day. Hmmmmmmmmm.

The least popular birthday is Christmas Day, December 25 (excluding February 29, which of course only occurs every four years in leap years.) and the next least popular birthday also fall in December and January. Turns out this isn’t only true for Australia, it’s also in line with other countries such as England, New Zealand and the US. This is the first time the ABS have released stats on this. Good for them.

So spare a thought for those who celebrate a Chrimirthmus Day. Should we get a pin or a ribbon? I’m happy to take advice on this Dear Readers.

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