Dishwasher Cuisine

February 13, 2019

Hello Dear Readers – I write this column today in state of great confusion. “Oh, why’s that AB?” I hear you say. Well, let me tell you.

It’s not because I just found out they are making an emoji for when you have your period (that’s a column for another time), it’s not because the G&G drive-through opens at 6am BUT doesn’t actually let you order burritos until 10am or it’s not even vaping.

It’s the fact that people are now cooking food in their dishwashers. IN THEIR DISHWASHERS people!

Why? I understand the fact that you CAN do this, but what I don’t understand is why anybody would WANT to? I can’t think of too many more gross things to cook in. If you were desperate ok sure, but by choice? No.

For me, cooking food in a dishwasher is like going fishing or climbing Mount Everest. Is it humanly possible to do these things? Yes. But am I going to? No.

Are we as humans now just so farking bored we have to invent things to do? And this is one of them? God Forbid we put that time and energy into worthwhile pursuits like making carob not taste like carob, making mammograms not feel like your boob has been run over by a truck and making the menfolk want to do domestics chores without being nagged to death.

I don’t have a dishwasher – they use too much water and they are gross. As previously mentioned, I’ve been a PCL (Professional Cleaning Lady). You should see the shit that used to come out of the pipes in them in the motels.! I’m talking Andrew Broad level of revolting here.  

Then there are all the other supplementary issues this raises. I only know five men who can stack a freakin’ dishwasher let alone cook in one. Apparently, it’s being called Dishwasher cuisine.

SIDEBAR: Marketing people, just because you call something cuisine, doesn’t make it more appealing. Anyone ever taste Lean Cuisine?

I read about this new craze recently – people are cooking are cooking all sorts of things in their Simpsons! A quick google search came up with these popular meals for the dishwasher.

  • Dill lemon cream Salmon
  • Dishwasher Lasagne Florentine
  • Soft boiled eggs with creamy yolks and
  • Cous cous with green beans, zucchini and mint

How it works is like the French style of cooking known as sous vide which is where they put the food in a vacuum-sealed bag and submerge it hot water and cook it over a long time. The water from the dishwasher is heated blah blah blah.. another tip from people in the five thousand forums about this new trend recommend wrapping your meal in four or five sheets of aluminium foil. Another suggestion was cooking your dinner in a dishwasher packed with dirty dishes, because “the fuller your machine is, the more stable the temperature, and stable temperatures make cooking easier.”

Sorry – still sounds gross and soggy but the consumer group Choice said it was safe, so I believe them but yeah, I’m not going to try it.

But you know who SHOULD try it? World Authority on Everything Pete Evans!! I want to see this as a challenge on MasterChef! How funny would that be? I shall send a raven to Channel Seven immediately. Imagine the drama they could have with this? There will probably be a whole spin-off industry with cookbooks for Dishwashing Cooking. Next thing you know we will Jamie Oliver or any one of the 55 celebrity chefs demonstrating this on their cooking shows.

This doesn’t (dish)wash(er) with me I have to say. They are called pots People! They’ve been with us since… I don’t know…around 16,000 years ago so I’m confident they can survive this interloping appliance.

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