Wedding of the Yawn…I Mean Year

May 18, 2018

Geez I feel sorry for Prince Harry. And Meghan Markle for that matter. Weddings can be a nightmare at the best of times let alone with the entire world watching on and commenting on your every move (and that of your crazy family). I laughed when I heard Royal Correspondents saying the Queen was outraged by the Mr Markle paparazzi scandal. Really? I think seeing your eldest son splashed across every paper in the English-speaking world telling his married lover he wanted to be a tampon is worse. OR your still-married topless daughter-in-law having her toes sucked by some American guy. We expect this kind of thing given the 24-hour news cycle and the insatiable appetite for all things celebrity don’t we?

And who doesn’t have a hideous family? I don’t know of anyone to be honest. The Queen is no exception and the Markle’s are clearly Nutjobs which I think just demonstrates that regardless of your nationality or background all families are all Cra-Cra.

I have extremely fond memories of Wills and Kate’s wedding. I didn’t go or anything. I was on a date with a former partner and it was early on in our romance and we had just fallen madly in love. You know when you can’t stop smiling and you just want to be around them/have sex with them all the time – everything is fun and exciting and nothing they do shits you tears. It’s the best feeling in the world isn’t it? Sadly, he turned out to a complete prick. No that’s not true. He didn’t at all I just tell myself that or pretend he’s dead BUT back to the wedding…. We decided to play a drinking game, whenever the camera showed Pippa Middleton’s arse or someone in a stupid hat HE had to drink and every time a British commentator said “marvellous” or “Princess Diana” I had to drink. Poor fella knew he didn’t stand a chance when Princess Beatrice rocked up in that Freakshow of a hat. It was a great night.

I suspect that Harry & Meghan will be relieved when it’s all over and they get on with their lives but of course the next thing will be her having a baby. That will be another circus.
Brides often go completely insane with the pressure of the impending nuptials. I read somewhere that the Queen must approve of Meghan’s dress. Imagine if all Mother-in-laws had to sign off on the wedding gown? You could sell tickets to some of those final fittings!

I love reading those stories of Bridezillas – you know the ones who kick bridesmaids out of the official part for non-bridesmaid like conduct? Hilarious. My personal favourite the Crazy Bride who had weekly weighs for the bridesmaids and started a Google Docs spreadsheet, so everyone could log their food intake however NOBODY was allowed be thinner than the bride. She also insisted speeches be submitted four weeks prior to the wedding for editing/approval. WTF? You must feel for the groom in that scenario.

I wonder what would happen if these women put their intense focus and energy into something useful like curing a disease or something else that benefits mankind? We could have colonised Neptune by now! The willpower I’ve seen some women display in the lead up to their weddings is more concentrated than Olympic athletes. Last week a woman got married ONE WEEK after a CROCODILE BIT HER ARM OFF during a canoe trip! That’s dedication.

I have been involved with a lot of weddings. And I mean A LOT. I’ve been bridesmaid seven times, MC at the reception at least ten times and read the first freakin’ letter of St Paul to the Corinthians what seems like 500 times. I can recite it now. “Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous…..” YAWN.

I’m going to the third wedding of a friend of mine later this year. Yes, that’s right his THIRD wedding. His first wedding was good. I was only 24 it was in a fancy-schmancy chapel of a private boy’s school in Sydney. Very hoity-toity crowd. Second wedding was on the beach at Byron Bay (groan – how original!) but was the first Hetro wedding I’d gone to there. It was a hilarious for a couple of reasons; not sit-down meal just roving food for the reception (which meant not enough), I had a similar dress on to the bridesmaids and my friend Simon had a similar shirt to the groomsmen so we photobombed the formal photos, it then poured with rain and the marquee split open saturating all the guests and the wine was dreadful. Half the guests ended up in our unit having cups of tea at 10pm.
The Compulsive Groom rang me a few months ago and said “Hey! I’ve got exciting news!” AB: “Ooooohh what is it?” D: “I’m getting married!” AB: “What? Again?” D: “Yeah! It’s gonna be in the hinterland of the Sunshine Coast. Will you do the reading?” AB: “Again – will I do the reading again? Seriously, are you trying to set some kind of record?” D: (laughing) “I’ve decided every time I get married I’m going to get you to do the reading!” AB: “yeah..OK but you’re not getting a present AND the wine at your last wedding was undrinkable crap. Goodbye.”

Funnily enough I’ve met a couple of my partners at weddings. I guess I’m what you could call a Wedding Specialist, like Rafa Nadel on a clay surface, but really, how hard is that? Everyone’s dressed up, it’s all about the Love, people are happy, there’s free booze and usually a band or dancing at the very least. Perfect Storm.

So, to dear Harry and Meghan I truly hope at your wedding someone reads out a telegram as good as this one which was at my friend’s wedding in Alice Springs about 20 years ago by his professional Kangaroo-shooter Best Man:

“Dear Blooms & Jodes – we hope your wedding night is like our old busted-arse telly…..four wobbly legs and a worn-out knob!” (yes tragically, that really was the telegram – impossible to forget).