Flouncy AKA What Not To Do When You’re a Woman Over 35 On The Piss

I saw something amazing last Friday. I’m not talking about something like that seal who smacked the kayaker in the face with the squid type of thing (although that was excellent). This was far more special.

I was out with TreVoR (aka The Voice of Reason) my favourite Partner in Crime,  and planning to meet some more Scoundrels when we stumbled upon that quite rare but exciting tribal gathering – the post-fundraiser posse of pissed school mums. Fascinating! It’s great to see them up close in their natural habitat (in this scenario Darling & Co. in Paddington) which is a great venue as the whole place is a really good viewing platform.

We were enjoying a Pimms when we saw the wheels starting to fall off for a number of the ladies. I laughed in anticipation of the titanic hangover they would have to endure at their kids cricket the next morning, sweating like a bastard with that headache that feels like a hot knife stabbing behind your eye… you know that one?

As we watched the spectacle before us, I realised it was like the time I watched The Godfather in Italian to help learn the language. If you study these creatures there are valuable lessons for all of us and I believe education is never a waste. So, I dedicate this column to a lady we dubbed Flouncy for the lessons she and her friends taught us about What Not to Do When You’re a Woman Over 35 on the Piss.

THINGS NOT TO DO

• Wear an outfit that you have a more 2% chance of having a Wardrobe Malfunction in. You’re not Kim Kardashian – and nobody wants you to be.
• Wear an outfit so short that when you sit down on those high dry-bar stools the world is your gynaecologist. (see above)
• Pretend you’re at Schoolies.
• Wear stilettos you can’t walk in – wear a sturdy heel that you can remain upright on after a few (dozen) drinks. Under no circumstances take your shoes off.
• If you haven’t been out for while on the gas, don’t drink two bottles of wine at the lunch and THEN have tequila shots at the post-lunch function.
• Do Karaoke.
• Cry.
• Wear accessories (a sharp, pointy headpiece for example) that could later become life-threatening or used as a weapon causing injuries to yourself or others.
• Get so pissed that you cannot go to the toilet unassisted or spend more than five minutes in the loo.*
• Multi task. If you’re off your face, don’t attempt to execute normal functions simultaneously, i.e. answer your mobile whilst trying to get off the high dry-bar stool whilst picking up your drink to go outside to talk/yell drunkenly at whoever is on the phone. Especially if you aren’t wearing a sturdy heel.
• Take a huge handbag – just a small clutch with the basics will do, lipstick, phone, breath mints, credit card and $50 cash stashed in the zip side pocket. You’re not in the Birdcage at the Melbourne Cup. You don’t need hairspray, perfume, brush, eyeliner, mascara, hydrating mist… blah blah blah

*The toilet is not a place to conduct business or a Counsellors office.

THINGS TO DO

• Wear underwear – I am so sad we need to put it on the list.
• Keep yourself nice. I’m not being a Wowser (I once went to a fundraising lunch didn’t get home until Saturday morning) but no teenage boy wants to see Mum being carried in to house by her friends or their Dad with vomit somewhere on her outfit.
• Organise a syndicate to buy something at the charity auction at the fundraiser.
• Make your partner pick up the kids and organise dinner.
• Drink plenty of water and go to bed early.

My special thanks to the inspiration for this column Flouncy. I will never forget your super short dress, four inch stilettos, lethal headpiece or the way you clutched onto that railing like Malcolm Turnbull clinging to Federal Liberal Party leadership as you staggered to the toilet, banging into the wall. How you even stayed upright was nothing short of a miracle.

You were awesome.