IKEA – The Ultimate Getaway

March 27, 2017

When I want to break up with a boyfriend I have one sure-fire way to achieve this goal. I make them accompany me to IKEA.

I am yet to discover a man who is not driven to the brink of insanity by a trip to Sweden’s biggest export since ABBA.

The last time I did this the boyfriend in question, once he realised what was happening, looked like my friends cat when it realised we were going to give it a bath.

Confusion – then fear – then abject horror – then full on psychotic rage/panic.

After ten minutes in IKEA he had lost the will to live and ending our relationship was just a mere formality. Works every time.

There are so many reasons why – the complex navigational system of it, the unpronounceable names of all the furniture that do their head in, (“No, we’re looking for the Vittsjὃ NOT the Kvistbrὓ. GOD!”) the unusual food which is 15kms away, the four thousand other people in the store shuffling along like Zombies. I could go on.

But recently I saw something that made me realise that perhaps my theory has been leaked to the Menfolk and that they are trying to develop a resistance – a vaccine if you will – that will immunise them from this unique form of boyfriend torture.

Late last year two young guys from Belgium filmed their illegal sleepover in IKEA, which not surprisingly, went viral on YouTube. Apparently they hid in a wardrobe (I suspect it would have to have been the Dombἃs model), waited until the staff left and then commenced their adventure.

It’s had 1.8 million hits and is very aptly entitled “Two Idiots at night in IKEA” and shows them being two idiots at night in IKEA.

To be fair to them, they are 15 year old boys. Enough said.

After being busted one of them said “Life is one big YouTube video. You should better make it interesting because when it comes to an end, you’ll never have a second chance.” Dear God.

So, since then there has been a spate of IKEA break-ins all over the world! Countries affected by this concerning behaviour include United States, Canada, Britain, Belgium, Netherlands, Sweden, Japan, Poland and AUSTRALIA!

The company released a statement saying they discourage this and it’s dangerous blah blah but really, in marketing terms this is pure gold.

A few years ago (2014) IKEA partnered with Airbnb to run a competition for three families to stay overnight in the Sydney IKEA store at Tempe so really, I think there’s a case to be made that they may have brought this on themselves.

Not only that but in China they actually encourage customers to take naps on their sofas and beds during their opening hours.

Being their largest growing market, it seems a smidge unfair they are now discouraging this rampant IKEA sleepover scourge. You reap what you sow IKEA.

I’m just trying to think of other stores I’d like to stay overnight in. David Jones is the obvious one for me – as long as it had a food hall.

Not sure about any others. I can think of a number I wouldn’t want to spend the night in. Bunnings for example, (no bedding no food) but Aldi could be fun.

I was in there shopping yesterday and noticed they were selling electric violins, and let’s face, who doesn’t want to buy one of those? AND they have food and dazzling array of wacky crap which on any given week could include bedding or camping equipment at the very least.

I’m just going to leave the men of Australia who are 40 plus with this advice, while it’s all well and good to try and immunise yourself against the IKEA visit virus, it’s unlikely to take hold for your age bracket, so just accept it and leave well enough alone and hope that things can be different for the next generation.

Here endith the lesson.

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