Royal Flush

December 12, 2018

Image: Getty

I read this article in a women’s mag saying Kate Middleton only carries four items in her clutch/small bag. Apparently, she ONLY carries a compact mirror, lip balm, blotting paper and a handkerchief. Mind you some of her clutches are so small that’s probably all you could fit in them.

OK, yes, she’s the future Queen so she doesn’t have to carry money but what about a mobile phone? I guess one of her Minions carries anything else she needs. In a large bag,

And WHY is a handkerchief one of the four items? My 82-year-old mother is the only person I know who carries a handkerchief (which I think is disgusting – carrying your own snot around, which then congeals on the material BBBLLLEEERRRKKKK! They should call them a Mankeychief)

Blotting paper – yeah fair enough – maybe she gets oily skin under the glare of the entire world’s spotlight.

Compact mirror – meh, bit Old School –  most people I know use a mirror on their phone, BUT Kate of course doesn’t carry one. Perhaps she’s worried about food caught in her teeth, which is probably fair enough. Can you image what price the Paps would get for a photo of her with spinach stuck in her teeth (which judging by the size of her, is probably all she eats).

I’m not convinced this story is completely true. Has this been verified? Did the Palace put out a media statement? I want one of those English Royal correspondents, who are always such incredible Toffs themselves, to speak at length about it. They’ve always got such fantastic names like Dickie Humpington-Smythe or Lady Octavia Cumberbottom and they ALWAYS went to school with the members of the Royal Household OR their parents OR their grandparents all played “Charades” at country house parties in between shooting pheasant and wife swapping.

Far more interesting than what Kate carries in her bag is her supposed feud with Harry’s new Missus Meghan. Do we think this is the wet dream of those tacky British Fleet Street rags? They still live for this crap and the Brits ongoing obsession with the Royal Family. Remember, these are the same publications that were found guilty of tapping celebrities phones to get inside info about their private lives, so we know they’ll do just about anything to sell a paper.

Do you think it’s true? Probably is. Think about it. People you end up entrapped with via your partner are often not from Your Tribe, are they? I think you’re lucky to end up with people you genuinely like and that was always good enough for me. My brother-in-law is one of the nicest blokes you could ever meet (and deserves a monument for putting up with my sister) so I’m very fortunate.

It wasn’t always thus, in fact my Ex’s brother’s second wife (stay with me) was a complete mole. Awful. Couldn’t stand her – still can’t. She was such a Mean Girl, always bitching and undermining others and a LAZY cow! She had the AUDACITY to bag me because I was Australian!! WTF? SHE WAS A (whinging) POM!!! Mind you I did totally sledge her playing backyard cricket on ANZAC Day. And as we were both with Kiwis the only time we were ever on the same side was when either of our countries played the All Blacks. My Ex’s brother’s first wife may have been boredom in its purist human form but at least she wasn’t mean. So, I for one totally buy the story that Kate and Meghan are slogging it out in tiaras at 50 paces. This will go on for years too.

Remember Fergie and Di? They were Royal Besties – then they went – because Fergie wrote in a book that she borrowed Di’s shoes and then got plantar warts. EEEEEEWWWWWWWWW. Then Di Ghosted her. And the Palace staff called Di “Warty Feet” behind her back. No, they didn’t I just made that bit up. I always thought that was a bit rich from Fergie especially given where SHE put her feet (remember the toe-sucking, topless pool-cavorting with some Random who wasn’t her husband? Awkward).

You know which other Royal also carried a tiny handbag and got tonnes of bad press? Anne Boleyn. Damn straight she did.

She used to carry a pomander which was herbs and spices carried in perforated precious metal case (silver or gold) or had it tied to her gown to freshen her clothes and make her smell nice. It was also believed that these sweet-smelling herbs and spices could ward off infectious diseases and protect the wearer from illness. But did not deflect swords unfortunately. Pomanders were a popular accessory in Tudor and Elizabethan times. Apparently, Queen Elizabeth I carried one with Damask Rose, Benzoin and Ambergris because she stank. No, she did. All the historian say that and to be fair she wasn’t alone. Most people stank back then because they only bathed once a decade.

So Dear Readers I think what we’ve learned from this most recent Royal episode is don’t lend your shoes to others, have a back-up Minion with a large sack if you want to carry an ultra-small bag and bathe regularly.