The end of civilisation

February 20, 2016

I read some incredibly disturbing news on the weekend. Do you ever read something or hear some news or even get a text message and you have a physical reaction? Your stomach drops, your mouth goes dry – you may even want to vomit if the news is horrific enough.

I’ve had all of those reactions to news at various points in my life. So when I read the headline ‘World on the verge of ‘chocolate deficit’ I had a severe reaction, as I’m sure Dear Reader, you are probably having RIGHT NOW.

We need to ask the serious questions:

  1. How the f#!k have we let this happen?
  2. Why wasn’t this leading all the news bulletins and on the front pages?
  3. Who is to blame for this appalling situation?
  4. What are we doing about it?

The impact on men:

I rang my Frusband (SIDEBAR: This is my former partner, now very close friend, thus “Frusband”. He says we are as good as married because all I do is nag him and we don’t have sex), anywho when I called him in abject horror to share this shocking news he said “Dear God! Do the men know? Has anybody warned them?” barely keeping the panic out of his voice.

He has since been in contact with NASA to fast track the colonising of other planets to avoid the apocalypse of a post-chocolate world.

He’s right to be scared. Good luck to the poor bastard who tries to get between me and my Lindt balls.

I know plenty of men who will be upset by this news too. My father is a lifelong connoisseur of chocolate. He’s very fond of what I like to call “Man Chocolate” – dark chocolate; Club is often seen on his desk. He’s also a big fan of Tee Vee Snacks.

I have visions of society replicating Mad Max II but instead of vicious road warriors killing for fuel, chocolate will be the most valued commodity. And rightly so. Della Mano brownies will
become the new Grange Hermitage.

Appropriate warning system:

I urge the Federal government to step in if they want to avoid total chaos. For a start we need a warning system – like when a cyclone is coming that alerts people in areas where chocolate supplies are dangerously low.

Minister David Elliot could appoint an Assistant Minister for Chocolate to start future proofing Australia against this impending disaster.

If an early election is called, we’ll probably see a “Save the Chocolate” party, which I think will win by a landslide.

What to do right now:

If you’re smart you’ll start stockpiling.

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